Friday, January 21, 2011


Many have already heard that the incredible duo of Emily and Jenny has been separated after years of giggle fits, awkward stages, tears and overeating of frozen dairy products.  What could have possibly brought this upon soulmates? Emily's impulsive decision making regarding her education is the answer.  Now we are separated by an hours drive, but it might as well be across the country.  Because you just cannot complete walks of shame together from an hour away...

This post was inspired by our discussion of Emily's new community college experience, and how it compares to CU Boulder.  Lets just say the differences are many.

-CU professors often begin the year by discussing the syllabus, and other professional, appropriate discussions about what to expect in the class.
-For whatever reason, Front Range teachers like to make their impression upon students by telling them personal stories ranging from international stalkers to murderous druggies they had in class.  Talk about a self esteem boost! We can definitely succeed if those people can, fellow front rangers!

Night Life:
-The sluts come out at night here in Boulder, talk about summer all year girls, that skirt better be fleece lined! The frat parties are full of sex appeal, bad decisions, endless free alcohol to anyone with boobs or wearing sorority letters.  If you aren't comfortable in such an atmosphere, you will soon meet other people just like you having movie night in their dorms...after an extensive search.
-I have yet to go out one night with the wolf pack, but I am positive that if I did I would see all of the people that didn't succeed in high school.  The size of the party might dwindle after midnight, after all babysitters have to sleep too!

-Well, finals week at CU is pretty tough. All of the important material must have been introduced on Friday mornings to bring down the class average.
-Remember high school? Didn't quite get enough? Come be a FRCC Wolf!

The People:
-If you are white, rich, and enjoy drowning your daddy issues in cheap vodka, you will have no trouble fitting in at CU.  There are many attractive people here, fratty and otherwise.  Stay away from the engineering quad if you're looking for a hottie.
-Pregnant? Want to become pregnant? Like drugs? Provide the people of Fort Collins with greasy midnight meals at you're place of work? Married? Paying for college yourself? Decided at age 55 that you cant get a good job without a degree? You have many friends in your future here!

Credits are credits, but lets just say that the price of a real university includes a social life.  We're not biased or bitter...just saying.

Friday, December 10, 2010

We Love Finals Week

Even a petty high school student experiences the stress of finals.  The symptoms of this phenomenon include but are not limited to: lack of sleep, junk food and caffeine addictions, uncontrollable tantrums, nasty roommates, and in Jenny's case, a non-stop case of the giggles.  This is the better known, however completely negative side of finals week. There is so much fun to be had this week, you just have to look for it.  Here are some ways to brighten your end-of-semester blues:

1.  The library is JAM PACKED with victims.  Use this as an excuse to violate some social norms.  If there is only one person sitting at a table, snuggle right up to him, preferably eating deliciously annoying bbq chips from the Farrand grab-n-go (or equivalent).  After a few minutes, depending on how shy your new study buddy is, you may either have a friend for life, someone who would like to snipe you after you exit the library, or at the very least a table to yourself! VICTORY!

2.  Do the girls in our dorm choose to not wash their hands because they are conscious of the environmental effects of using soap or hand sanitizer? (atta Boulder!) Regardless, I do not understand how they think no one sees them leave with germy hands, hence presenting an excellent opportunity for harassment.  A few suggestions:

-Take the Jenny route: Stand at the bathroom exit dispensing gloves only to those who did not visit the sink or Purell dispenser.  Not only will this stop the spread of germs, they will be marked with shame for all to see.  Jenny likes this option because she gets to wear gloves that match her outfit.

-Do as Emily would: Start crying and mumbling loudly, looking right at the culprit.  When they ask what is wrong (if they don't ask they have no soul), GLARE at them and point.  As your rage gathers, scream at them, explaining how THEY are solely responsible for people getting sick during finals week, failing their first semester of college and losing their college fund.  Continue by describing the future that would result: you buying a one way ticket to Vegas, resorting to prostitution just outside of the city lines, having no success due to your prosthetic leg.  Be creative.

3.  Quiet Hours present opportunities for new activities! As much fun as it can be coming home drunk to a noisy hall full of your friends to continue your great Friday night, these can be much more rewarding ways to spend a Friday night during finals week!

-Find an alternative dancing location: Since frat boys spent the entire semester planning devious themes to get girls to wear sparse amounts of clothing to drink and with them, there must be a new place to continue this fun! Just last night we discovered the loudest place on campus: the Emporium!  For a study break, get dressed up for a night on the town, (no coat required!) grab some good friends (value determined by amount of munch money), and RAGE!!!  I bet you could even bring your own mix cd from Jr. High, or request a song from the cashier. Quench your Friday or Saturday night thirst with a Mexi Coke or naked smoothie!

-Start a hilarious blog with your best friend (or about them).  This will allow you to entertain as many of your friends as you dare to text your URL to, as well as procrastinate...all while being quiet!

-Challenge your neighbor to the quiet game, staring contest, or breath holding competition.  Winner dies hahaha!

-Experiment with new drugs.  What better excuse to try adderol to be productive, chased by ambien to ensure you get your sleep for finals!  Try the ambien challenge: get some friends together, take some sleeping pills, and see how long you can stay awake.  Side effects include: waking up in someone else's bed, missing your first class, and a GREAT nights sleep.

We would like to thank all of the college tuition-paying parents, for making FINALS WEEK possible.  LOVE YOU!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Dear Everyday Masterpiece

I don't think that anything we could write could possibly equal up to the level of blogging you have achieved! However we are going to try and entertain people in the blogging community.  Let's be honest when we say that this blog will probably attract the lowest of  the low, as far as the online life sharing community goes.  Regardless, we will give it a shot.